I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
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Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
My dad is at it again
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.