People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
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Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Lmao
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Worlds greatest photobomb
And bowling should be called pinball
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.