I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
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god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.