@AmishPornStar1

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

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@dubstep4dads

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

@ozzyunc

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

@bobvulfov

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

@abhorrent_wife

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

@geekysteven

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

@GabbbarSingh

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

@bodybycheezits

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

@Lani_Hayden

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.