I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

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i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community


I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.


WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father


Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.


When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.


Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.


[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not


Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.