GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
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How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
kids play hide and seek like
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?