Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
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If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
me and my fake scenarios