We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
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me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
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[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
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(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time