[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
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ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka