The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
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Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING