The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
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ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
This is my pinned tweet
This is me 🤣🤣
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox