If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
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once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks