[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
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For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Who knew!
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
#SaturdayBears
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]