[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
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[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
it is time once again
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
giddy up Office Depot
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.