ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
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10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.