a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
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Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this