genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
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I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
This checks out