I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
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me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Anime is real
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand