Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
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doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.