To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
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Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
This is I, Robot all over again
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Sign of the day..
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on