I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
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[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”