You Might Also Like
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?