My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
You Might Also Like
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
okay run it by me one more time
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.