Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
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This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
This is my emotional support knife.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers