This is my emotional support knife.
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You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Pot warmers of the day.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
*puts my mental health in rice
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
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Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword