The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
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i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
choose your gary
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Shower sex be like:
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive