[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
You Might Also Like
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/