I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
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I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
watergate? u mean a dam??
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats