Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
You Might Also Like
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I already tried new things thanks.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).