♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
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The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
how to market bottled water to dads
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”