You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
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If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.