*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
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I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.