CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
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Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.