The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
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Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Ion see the issue
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.