The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”