Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
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[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.