If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
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day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
The best shot in the history of golf
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”