My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
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My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Every work call, he judges.
inventing words: clothing
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15