My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
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[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment