@robdelaney

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

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@Laser_Cat

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

@SwartyComedy

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

@aneesa_p

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

@BlindChow

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

@pizzajaynow

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

@permawedgie

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

@Tbone7219

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

@UncleRamrod

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?