TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
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*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.