I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
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Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
🤣🤣🤣
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.