I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

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Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”


spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability


Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.


KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.


I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*


I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.


My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.


If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.