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Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”