“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
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[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?