“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
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me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her