Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
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Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.