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*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The human personality is made of five key elements
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Every work call, he judges.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.