The human personality is made of five key elements
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I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.