think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
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I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip