Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
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me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.