I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
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I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.