I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
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I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.