The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
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If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
huge if true: the moon
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.