I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
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My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.