I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
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Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
when there are deer in the woods
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.