Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
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How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.